I have been doing better since my hospital stay in the Spring. Seven weeks on the psych ward at Victoria Hospital here in London, ON, seems to have really helped.
Numerous friends have asked me what has been making the difference. I thought I’d post something about that here.
I think the first really important change is in medication. The run-of-the-mill anti-depressants had stopped working for me. So, my medical team at the hospital decided to try something unorthodox: they put me on an old-fashioned drug called Nortriptyline. Invented in 1963, it’s one of the first-generation anti-depressants. It had fallen into disuse after Prozac and the like SSRIs were developed, because it’s lethal in overdose. Hence, it’s not a drug you want suicidal people having ready access to. But things were desperate, so they tried me on it. To make sure that I don’t overdose should I have a really suicidal day, my wife Anita stores the pills in a hiding place, and only gives me three days worth at a time. It’s a bit of a nuisance for both of us, but it makes good sense safety-wise.
Another factor is an “upward spiral”, as I call it. I am feeling much less scared, and more competent, so I take on somewhat harder tasks. When I succeed at those, that makes me feel still less scared and still more competent. So, I take on something even harder. And so on. So, for instance, I was able to travel north for a fly-in fishing trip in June with my friend Emily. Long-time readers will know that much chaos ensued. Yet I kept it together. Next time, I flew up north by myself, and even spent several nights on my own back at my endearingly creepy motel in Nipigon. Another example. In August I went to a major philosophy conference in Rome, though I didn’t present anything. In October, I’m going to another conference, in St John’s Newfoundland, and this time I will be giving a talk.
The third thing that really helped me improve, I think, was the Summer weather. Sunshine, warmth and being active outdoors are all very good for my mood, including in particular the ability to overcome emotionally trying events. I just seem more psychologically resilient between May and August.
This leads me to a current worry. That “But…” in my title. I am afraid that the change of seasons may throw me back into really serious anxiety and depression. Currently, I am trying to find ways to reassure myself. Three things may help. First, I am back teaching. I’m even writing: yesterday I completed a draft of a sole authored book review, the first in a long, long time. Success at work should help me make it through. Second, I am planning trips to warm, sunny places over the winter months. That’s not going as well as I’d like, as so far I only have one trip planned, viz., to give a plenary lecture in Montevideo in December. But I’m hopeful that other opportunities will present themselves. Third and finally, I am trying to emphasize to myself the fun things that I can do during Ontario’s winter. I got up on skis last year; maybe I can do that again, only more frequently?