My dialectical behavioral therapist Lori H. assigned me a homework task. I was to write down, for our next meeting, how I am feeling these days. I was also encouraged to share the result here on my blog.
But here’s the thing: it is very difficult to find the necessary words. It’s not that I’m generally inarticulate. Rather, I’m not sure there are words which capture my present emotions, because what I have been feeling is kind of contradictory.
On the one hand, I have feelings of happiness and hope. Whereas in the Spring I was terrified about it coming, in the end I had a lovely 60th birthday party. My teaching is going well too. Whereas last year at this time I was getting lost during my in-class lectures, having to stop the class while I overcame the shakes, this Fall my lectures are almost like they used to be. What’s more, I have both Saima and Anita at home, which is another lovely facet of life these days. As I wrote last time, I am experiencing an “upward spiral” these days, wherein: I feel confident enough to take on a harder task; and then I succeed at that task; and that makes me even more self-confident; and so on.
Yet it would be inappropriate to say, “I feel happy and hopeful”. For, on the other hand, I have powerful feelings of sadness and dread. The sadness stems in part from my other daughter Moon, who moved away last Summer. I miss her terribly and frequently cry when I think about how distant she is. The dread is all about Winter coming, and about whether I’ll be able to maintain a positive attitude as the days get shorter and colder. I do hope to flee the Winter for sun and warmth at least a few times, but I don’t have travel plans locked down yet. That leaves me nervous.