My anxiety continues to be really hard. I had better days on Sunday and Monday, and this morning was okay too. Then afternoon came around, and bang… I can hardly function.
It’s a downward spiral. I am anxious, so I find it hard to work; finding it hard to work, I think about impending deadlines and about the fact that I am having trouble making them; and that makes me more anxious. Relatedly, I don’t just get first-order anxiousness. I doubt anyone does. I get worried about the fact that I might get anxious.
I find it so hard, too, that there isn’t a magic pill that takes the feeling of anxiety away. I’ve reflected often that maybe some people are alcoholics because they feel like I do now, when they’re not drinking. That would keep me on the bottle, I think. Ditto for benzos. Sadly/happily, neither booze nor Ativan make me feel better, so addiction isn’t in my future.
That nothing seems to work causes suicidal ideations. I think: “I can’t live 30 more years like this. So, I need to end it.” And I visualize myself taking a fistful of pills. They’re just passive ideations. I’m not actively suicidal. But this is another hard aspect of anxiety.
Argh.