A recent cluster of symptoms has emerged which is very hard to endure. It’s so unbearable.
The cluster has two parts. There’s severe agitation, nervous energy – as in my toes curling up and wanting to bang my head. At the same time, I’m unable to direct it anywhere because I have no motivation to do anything. I no ability to concentrate. I can’t focus enough to read a novel or watch TV. It’s hard to make decisions and then I’m easily distracted from them when I do.
An analogy. It’s like feeling insanely, unbearably stir crazy in a room full of doors. That’s the anxiety aspect. Each door would get you out of the room, but none of the doors attracts you enough. You haven’t the drive to open that one, nor that one, nor that other one. That’s the absent “drive system” aspect: nothing assigns a positive emotional valence to any door sufficient to get you up and out of the chair. You end up stuck in the middle of the room, at the point of screaming. Argh.
This pair also often comes along with what I call “fear blooms”, by the way. Fright starts over my heart and spreads across my chest, like the fear is blossoming and growing.
I’m experiencing this a lot because I have cleared off my calendar for ECT treatments and am on sick leave. I’m left with even more empty time to fill.
Happily, it’s really important to note that today’s ECT seemed to reduce these symptoms significantly. And they also seem to help with my fear more generally.