It’s hard to recognize that I’m not at the lowest point. Every new stage of this month’s long depressive episode is a “fresh hell”. But, though it doesn’t feel like it, I have been worse. Compared with January, my sadness is much better and my suicidal urges are far less. And I’ve made progress on the agoraphobia, even though I backslide: e.g., I’m not afraid of going to work, or of running.
The major symptom that I’m struggling with nowadays is anhedonia, i.e., the inability to take pleasure in things that used to interest you. (‘An’ means loss, ‘hedon’ means pleasure.) People suffering from anhedonia lose interest in sex, food, reading, TV, social engagement, etc. They lose weight. They withdraw.
A friend asked: isn’t that just like feeling apathy? From the inside, it’s not. When experiencing anhedonia, you want to want those things. you know they are good things, that you like them. Intellectually, then, you’re not apathetic towards them. But you aren’t in fact motivated to do them either. They have no emotionally positive valence for you. Anhedonia is like when your taste buds are dulled by a cold. You know that in some sense this coffee tastes the same as the other day; yet it doesn’t, it’s bland.
Anhedonia is never easy, but it’s especially hard right now for two reasons. I have so much time on my hands. I took sick leave to do my ECT treatments and thereby cleared my schedule. This gives me extra time to fill. Damn. Second, I have very little concentration, so, even where there’s an activity that I might want to do, I may not have the mental energy to do it. I’m finding it hard to write this, for instance.
Anhedonia may be better than suicidal depression and agoraphobia, but I’m working like mad to get over it. I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas.
- There are situations which still motivate me, even though pleasure doesn’t. For instance, I still feel pulled by responsibility, and by accountability to others. If I can make doing a task a duty, that might get me to stick with it. Then, once I am fully engaged, maybe I’ll enjoy it.
- I’ve noticed that I do well with answering email. I think that’s because I like doing a task and then checking it off. So, I will try to slice up activities for myself into “chunks”. E.g., just read five pages of the novel as a task, as opposed to “read your novel”.
- I’m looking desperately for new activities; ideally, connected to my values. I’ve tried birding and found it soothing. I am checking out video games – I just bought Stardew Valley on my phone and my friend Gavin will teach me how to play tomorrow. I’m looking into audio books. (Other suggestions warmly welcomed.)
- I try to have a schedule for each day, loaded onto my calendar.
I am also hopeful that my ECT treatments, which restart tomorrow, will help with the anhedonia.