I am finally back to doing homework assignments in DBT. That’s because I am joining a virtual group out of University of Toronto, and will furthermore have a new local “coach”, Rachel S.
Today’s exercise is on effective rethinking of my perfectionism.
Now, as I keep telling everyone, there’s a sense in which I don’t aim for “perfection”. I know that humans are fallible. I therefore know that I am. Really, though this is mere quibbling. It’s “just semantics”, in the pejorative sense, to deny that I’m a perfectionist, because I certainly do demand far too much of myself. I have a superhero complex. I need to succeed to the highest degree possible (and, ideally, I should do it without any benefit to myself; it should be all about self-sacrifice).
For this round, I decided to focus on what I expect of myself at work. Relatedly, on where I criticize myself, when I don’t achieve the standards which I set for myself as an academic.
As an instructor, I demand of myself the best possible lectures: clear, orderly, precisely as detailed and accurate as students at the given level require and can handle. I expect to mentor students to the ideal degree – as many hours as I can manage, for instance, yet without discouraging them with too much advice.
I demand of myself, but not others, letter-perfect writing in all domains. In reference letters and other evaluations, in journal articles, in reports to committees. Every piece of prose must have all that’s required, nothing extraneous, and with everything in its place. In terms of form, there cannot be even tiny typos, nor inaptly placed punctuation.
Work must be completed not just on time, but well enough ahead of schedule that there’s no risk of being late.
In all domains, I must evaluate as thoroughly and accurately as a person can manage. To do otherwise is unjust.
Next step in the homework: the prima facie benefits of demanding so much of myself, followed by a “rethinking”.
From others’ perspective, there’s the benefit of student satisfaction with respect to my lecturing and mentoring. There’s impressing colleagues. And fairness to those being assessed. As for myself, there are the (seeming) advantages of avoiding public failure, confidence in my performance, plus pride in the results.
Then again, are those beliefs really true, and are my reasons for wanting such things good reasons? My students definitely don’t need the level of preparation I put in – lecture notes with perfect punctuation, each heading numbered and in bold. Yes, I seriously do that… and who is helped by doing so? Ironically, students may prefer less formal preparation – over-preparation makes lectures boring. Also, students might well learn important life lessons from observing my human imperfections and my acceptance of them. “Professors are just people too. Mistakes are okay”. Continuing with other-directed alleged benefits, it’s not actually unfair to those being evaluated if I am merely doing an excellent job. Finally, even if the beliefs about the benefits were true, why do I want these things? In fact, I’m too worried about seeking approval, too focused on needing external validation. Self-esteem should come from “excellent”, it shouldn’t require “the very best you can do”; and it can come from inside, not merely from respect and admiration from those who I respect and admire. And, of course, I’d do well to rein in my compulsion for order and correctness.
What are benefits of accepting “excellent” or even “good enough”? That I don’t drain myself, so that I have time and energy left over for other valuable things. More time for leisure, my four Fs: fiction, fishing, fitness, family. More time for mental health exercises like this one, which in their turn can make me a better person to be around – as husband, father, friend, co-worker – being as a result less anxious, less stressed, less depressed.
The last element in todays homework, having catalogued the problematic beliefs and challenged them, is to consider specific actions which would move me away from demanding so much of myself. One action would be reminding myself of the above costs. Another, maybe too challenging for now, would be exposure, purposeful exposure, to “sub-standard” performance: letting misspellings go (using ‘eg’ instead of ‘e.g.’, heaven help me!), failing to put foreign words in italics, not proof-reading emails, Facebook posts, and… this blog entry.