I wrote a while back about a puzzle of mental wellness. The puzzle was this: Here I am facing one of the scariest things a person can, namely a diagnosis of malignant cancer, with the concomitant chemotherapy and surgery. Here I am facing many things to feel sad about: having to cancel my classes; not being able to escape Canadian winter this year; scratching outings galore because I’m way too tired (e.g., a hockey game tomorrow evening). Given this, I expected that my Bipolar symptoms would be through the roof.
Instead, I am doing the best mental health wise that I have in years.
Yes, suicidal thoughts sometimes intrude. In particular, I still notice “opportunities for suicide” in a way that a neurotypical person surely would not (e.g., I can’t put away a sharp kitchen knife without recognizing that I could cut my wrists with it.) Yes, some things scare me unduly, including having the PICC line inserted into my arm, heading straight for the top of my heart. Nonetheless, my grief symptoms have subsided. Even more striking, at least since I began chemo at the start of October, I haven’t experienced the free-floating anxiety that used to plague me – that feeling of great fear popping up for seemingly no reason.
I don’t really know what’s going on. Why am I pretty much in remission as far as my Bipolar symptoms go? I listed some interrelated candidate factors in a previous blog post:
- I am challenged by a “mountain”, namely the cancer and its treatment;
- I am distracted by lots of meaningful activities;
- I’ve had my attention drawn to life events that I would be sorry to miss;
- I’m focused on the present, and on my body;
- I’m mentally well enough that the outpouring of kindness and support “penetrates” my psyche in a positive way.
My addendum, and the point of this post, is this. Typically, I expect the world from myself. Tracing to feelings of inadequacy as a child, I have always felt the need to prove myself 100%: my father drilled into me and my siblings that we were useless/worthless; as a result, I’ve always stressed the need for complete success. This has been very good for my career, but problematic when it comes to my moods. A minute failing can trigger not just depressed feelings, but the urge to die.
My thought, in light of this, is that a sixth factor is playing out in my sub-conscious. Because I have cancer, and because I am doing chemo, I am allowing myself to simply get by. I’m accepting that I won’t be performing my best. For instance, I am allowing myself to nap three times a day, even though there are tasks that aren’t getting done; I am deleting some email messages without even acknowledging them; I’m saying ‘No’ to invitations where I could have helped out.
Society cuts cancer patients quite a bit of slack. More than that, we still get to count as heroes even when all and any “superpowers” are manifestly absent. Maybe this is allowing me to go less hard on myself? If that is what’s going on in my sub-conscious these days, the lesson I need to learn for the future, post-cancer, is that I’m worthwhile, I’m useful, even when I’m not “knocking it out of the park” all the time.