On Trying Hard to Be Positive

A very difficult thing about depression is that you’d think one could just choose to overcome it. You’d think one could just decide to look on the bright side; decide to be positive. And what to make of a depressive with an otherwise good head on their shoulders? If it were like that, the depressed person would simply not be trying hard enough. They can’t really be putting their best effort forward.

But choosing to not be depressed is comparable to choosing not to hear voices in schizophrenia. It’s comparable to choosing not to be paranoid.

To give another analogy that I’ve used before, the negative perspective in Bipolar is like a visual illusion. In the Muller-Lyer illusion, e.g., two sticks of equal length look different because each is bordered by “fins” that point in opposite directions. The one with fins pointed outward looks shorter. One can know this fact, but no amount of “corrective thinking” can get the visual system to see things as they objectively are.  In the same way, when one is depressed, the world just looks gray and sad even when part of the person knows that it isn’t that way.

This can be hard for the sufferer themselves. They may beat up on themselves for not feeling grateful for the good things in life. I do this all the time: I get angry at myself, feel guilty, when I’m not enjoying an objectively fortunate event.

I do “gratitude meditations” to force myself to recognize the positive. I have positive self-talk affirmations that I use. “I have done difficult things in the past”. “Keep hope alive”. “Growth is sometimes bumpy”. “Good is good enough”. “You help others”. “You are loved”. So I tell myself. But the truth is, there’s something fishy about the whole production: it assumes that the mind is under its own voluntary control to an extent that, sadly, it really is not.

That’s why stuff like rTMS, electroconvulsive therapy and medications have an essential role to play in the treatment of depression. And it’s why, when I try to remain hopeful, the hope is largely other-oriented, i.e., that others will find a new treatment to help me. Believing in oneself is a good thing, but it can only take one so far.