This week’s CBT homework has three parts: Identify some ways in which I feel inadequate; describe the emotions that derive from them; and compose a compassionate letter to myself “from the perspective of an unconditionally loving friend” about the perceived inadequacies and how they make me feel.
The inadequacies I decided to focus on all arise as symptoms of my Bipolar as it has become more severe and progressively interfered with my work life. That is, ways that my mental health has recently prevented me from performing academically at my previous level. First, I cannot concentrate as well as I used to. Second, I often forget even what I’ve just read. Third, I frequently lack the energy to complete complex intellectual tasks. Fourth and finally, because of anhedonia, I lack the motivation necessary as well.
How do these limitations make me feel? Sad and fearful. This is no surprise. These are the twin emotions that are the hallmarks of depression and anxiety respectively. I feel sad that I am functioning below par academically. And, among other things, I fear that I’ll never recover. When I reflect on my poor concentration, memory, and energy/motivation, I get so anxious that I want to lie down, sleep and just blissfully forget. In addition, I also feel like I am letting down my students, my research team, and my faculty colleagues. I feel I’m letting myself down too.
Here’s my attempt at a compassionate letter to myself.
Dear Rob
I am so sorry that you have been feeling sad and fearful. I’m sorry in particular that you’ve been feeling inadequate in terms of how well you can concentrate, remember, and act. I know that’s very hard. I’ve felt inadequate too.
First, know with 100% certainty that I am here for you in your suffering. You can always share your painful thoughts with me; you can always just hold my hand; we can always go for walks and such.
I also want to tell you that, from my perspective, there are positives that you may not be noticing. Granting that these are inadequacies, they aren’t among the biggest. There are still so many things that you have been able to do even over these very trying months. Yes, these make your academic performance subpar, but you perform perfectly well in many domains. Mostly, then, you’re not letting people down. What’s more you are getting over the symptoms in question: you’ve made enormous progress on them since January. Enormous. And you continue to improve almost weekly. This includes on the academic front. Think of what you are doing professionally now that you couldn’t when the ECT treatments were ongoing. You are reading an academic textbook, actively and effectively taking part in a reading group, supervising graduate students’ written work, and drafting research and teaching plans for the upcoming academic year.
Finally, dearest friend, even if all that weren’t true, you’re still valuable as a person. Good, valuable people may sometimes lack concentration, energy, and motivation. They forget things they’ve just read. A person’s inner value – your inner value – persists regardless. You recognize this about others; embrace it about yourself.