One DBT practice for dealing with anxiety is “making space for it” – to practice willingness. Allowing the anxiety to be there even though it’s unpleasant. This is important because struggling against fear doesn’t take it away, and the struggle adds additional suffering.
My therapist Rachel’s analogy for willingness is an unwanted beach ball in the pool. You can let it float beside you, or you can struggle and try to push it under water. The ball is going to be there, so… just let it be.
Making space for feeling constantly frightened isn’t easy. So, I need a technique, a mnemonic. (Aside: I sometimes say “frightened” because I think the word “anxiety” can understate things for those who don’t experience it. The feeling for me is like walking down a dark alley, being hypervigilant for someone or something to jump out at you. It can feel pretty awful.)
In particular, when I start trying to resist, I want a physical reminder. Together with Rachel, we discussed an object that is always present to hand, which I can reach for when I realize that I’m unwilling to allow the anxiety to just be there. We settled on touching my keys: they’re almost always in my pocket and I can reach for them discretely.
Of course, one needs to allow for other difficult thoughts and feelings. It is a general phenomenon. For instance, recently I’ve been working on making space for the thought that I and others are aging. I may notice an elderly person walking with difficulty, and the fear of experiencing that myself takes hold. Willingness means saying in my mind: “that ageing thought is present; just let it be there; don’t try to repress it”. Frankly, it’s very hard.
The paradox at the centre of this DBT practice is that the ultimate goal of willingness is, in fact, to overcome the anxiety (or other difficult feeling). It’s because you don’t want your life to be ruled by fear or sadness that you need to be willing to let it be. More on that paradox another time.