I have had a hard six weeks. Over that period, I went from one bad day a week to a couple of okay days a week. Then, following a shift in medication, I became really depressed over the last ten days. ‘Depressed’ as in asking Anita to please hide my sleeping pills. ‘Depressed’ as in If my hospital experiences hadn’t been so awful, I’d have gone to Emerg.(Thankfully, yesterday, with a new drug, saw a big turnaround.)
It’s timely, then, that my DBT homework for this week is to reflect on the connection between depressive episodes and my values, recognizing that they may be sparked by losing track of a life worth living.
Let’s go back to my last major depressive episode two years ago, for a first clue. Three big parts of what made life valuable before that were: being actively involved as a dad to two young girls; advancing in my career; and being active outdoors (fishing, skiing, running). Two years ago, the time of my hospitalizations, several things happened that conflicted with those. The girls moved out – they weren’t little anymore, needing their dad all the time. My sabbatical ended and I felt like I’d achieved everything I wanted to career-wise: Distinguished University Professor and Royal Society of Canada… There were no more academic mountains, at least none I felt interested in climbing. What’s more, I was diagnosed with both diabetes and high cholesterol, and put on meds for both. This made me acutely aware of my aging body, and of the fact that eventually I wouldn’t be able to engage in those favourite outdoor activities.
Depression resulted.
If I cling to exactly those things as what makes life worthwhile, depression will be inevitable as time passes. So, it may help to overcome this latest bout of severe depression, and to avoid potential future ones, to find other things which are valuable to me, and which I can continue working towards even as I age. Values I myself can choose going forward.
To clarify my assignment, it isn’t to identify short term goals, specific outcomes to aim for. I have plenty of those each day on my To-Do list and my Google calendar. Too many, in fact: grade that assignment, respond to those emails. My task is to find big things, about the sort of person I want to be, values to serve as a compass for choosing goals.
I’ll divide the quest in two. In the present post, I’ll try to identify my values going forward in terms of happiest/saddest occasions. The times I’ve despaired versus those when I’ve felt most intensely that life had meaning. In the follow up, I’ll write about people – those whose values I embrace, what I’d want others to remember me for, and the values I’ve wanted to share.
The saddest stages of my life were childhood and early adolescence (1960s and 70s), when my first wife Hamila died (1992), and when my mother passed away (2012). Plus, as noted, the occasion of my major depression in 2017-18. What did those have in common? Deep loneliness and low self-esteem in childhood and early adolescence – picked on and unpopular. Fear and uncertainty about the future – fear of violence as a child, anxiety about another great loss after Hamila died. Conflict with others, e.g., with my father as a child, with my brother after my mom died. Another common theme in those periods was guilt about not having done enough.
The happiest periods were my first year in Uruguay as an exchange student in the mid-80s, my time at Grad School at MIT in 88-93, when the girls first arrived early in the new Millennium, and while on sabbatical in New York, Vancouver and then London, England. What did these occasions have in common? New experiences in new places: music, art, architecture, language, outdoor activities. Success when faced with new challenges: learning Spanish, mastering extremely difficult academic material, learning to be a dad. And deep personal connections: lasting friendships, along with special family and academic relationships.
Here are some lessons I can draw about my values. When, instead of being awash in fear, I’m able to undertake challenges and succeed, I’m happy. When, instead of feeling isolated, I’m really connected to people, I’m happy. When, instead of lacking direction or being stuck in the “same-old”, I seek out new experiences, I’m happy.
The girls aren’t going to be little again; what’s more, at some point, my academic days will be over, and I won’t be young enough to fish, ski or run. Those, taken as core values, can’t last. But can I overcome new challenges; form and strengthen links to people, as I age? Yes, yes I can.
I also try to remind myself of my values when I am going through a hard time and all the other times I lose balance. When I play my piano, I am happy because I know even if I don’t end up being a perfect something (career or academic-wise), at least I have my piano; at least I can still talk with my hands on the piano and dive into the eternity of its sounds. Adventure through the world, also makes me happy and I am fine in doing it alone. I am saying this because “good company” has been something rare in my life and from very early on in my life I had to learn to be alone and happy. And I guess I succeeded in it and I am grateful for it. But at the same time, as much I have been traumatized by people in my life I still try to be open to connection; authentic connection with authentic people who live wholeheartedly (inspired by Brene Brown’s works whom I admire). Gratitude is another value for me and it has worked miracles for me. It brings me back to the moment, to all the ordinary things I have; my ability to still breathe, walk, write, play music, the roof over my head, the food in the fridge, and basically the life I still have. One of my cousins doesn’t have it anymore and she died very young and I guess seeing her in the grave was a moment of awakening for me. So I am not going to take this life for granted and I should be able to work out the hard dark times.