My homework this week is about purposes. What are they good for? Why are they so hard for me to identify and stick to?
I learned that purposes – and the plural is important because there won’t be just one – aren’t merely about “who I want to be”. A purpose must track who you have been and who you are now. They lie at an intersection: of what you value (including what you simply enjoy, what you find fun), yes; but also what you’re good at, what comes easily.
Here’s why identifying purposes is so important. They hold otherwise scattered motivations together. They also help you through the hard spots, they get you “unstuck”.
Unfortunately, I find it very tough to identify my own purposes. First, it’s hard to face up to what I’m not capable of – I need to exercise radical acceptance, to embrace the fact that some purposes attract me but are simply undoable choices. Second, it’s hard to admit to myself that there are things I don’t value, even though I think I should. “Good people value that. I’m a good person. So, I guess I value that.” I end up saddling myself with things which “should be” my purpose, but which actually aren’t rewarding for me. Relatedly, and even more specific to me, I try to reason my way into what my capabilities and values are, rather than feeling them. Depression ensues.
So, if you ask me what my purposes are, I’m not sure I’d be able to say. Sigh.
I’m also reflecting on why it’s hard to stick to purposes – maybe prematurely, since I’m not sure what mine are. Two stumbling blocks came immediately to mind. Purposes establish boundaries. Sticking to them therefore puts me in conflict with others. The thought is ever present: “Am I being unfair in sticking to my guns?” Purposes also set me up to fail, to make a mistake. It’s safer, less hard on my presently fragile confidence, to not try.
My results, then. Purposes unify twice over: 1) they reflect what you want, but also what you’re capable of; 2) they bring the wealth of your wants into focus. But finding that unity continues to be a struggle because self-knowledge is hard work and its discoveries can be painful. Finally, holding fast to those “unities” will be hard even once my purposes are identified.
Double sigh.