Something which gets me very anxious nowadays is facing a decision – especially a really trivial decision. Recent examples: “Which kind of ice cream should I buy as a treat for Anita?” Tightness in my chest. “Which task should I do first, write that lecture or do some grading?” Quickening heartbeat. “Should I go for walk or a run?” Clenched fists and toes.
DBT homework has given me some answers to “Why?” Partly, decisions are anxiety inducing because I convince myself that every option but one must be sub-optimal. And that means I am very likely to make a mistake, for how likely is it that I’ll land on that single best choice? Why is that so anxiety inducing? Because making a mistake, even a tiny mistake, means that I am valueless. Unworthy of love. As if that’s not bad enough, I convince myself that any fool could make this decision: the whole point is that it’s unimportant. That I can’t means that I’m meta-worthless. And then it’s the meta-anxiety. I get anxious that I’ll get more anxious, which makes me more anxious, which…
With the help of both Dr. D and my occupational therapist Ms. W, I’ve developed some strategies for combatting this train of thought.
1) In the short term, I try to avoid having to choose in the moment. For instance, when grocery shopping, in doubt, I always pick the President’s Choice brand. (This one was Anita’s tip.) Or again, I draw up a detailed schedule the day before, even if it’s arbitrary: do email at 11:00 a.m.; write lectures at 2:45 p.m.; go for a run at 5:00 p.m.; call my Dad at 7:30 p.m. I put all of this in my calendar and try to stick to it. That way “what now?” just gets sidestepped. (Ms. W taught me that one. Anita, my rock, often helps me execute it.)
This isn’t really an answer to the problem, though. Ultimately, I need to overcome my anxiety about decisions (which anxiety itself causes anxiety…)
2) A step in the direction of overcoming the pattern has been practicing making little decisions. This is like “exposure therapy”. I try to decide what song to hum. I try to decide which finger to bend. Etc.
3) Working towards a more long-term solution, I’ve been saying to myself: “Even if you make the wrong choice, you’re still a valuable person. Mistakes are constant in everyone’s life, including in the lives of those you value most. Be compassionate towards yourself in the way you would to them”.